UselessJunk.com... crazy insane NSFW videos & visual media

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking
along the beach together one day.

They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.

The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm.
I want the land to be forever fertile in America."

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly,is a fog horn made out of?

This works with men, too.


A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16 oz. can of Miller Lite

The checkout guy looks at her and says,"Single, eh?"

She smiles sweetly and responds, "Yes, how did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're fuckin' ugly."

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time  to
      present  the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.

NEW YORK (AP) — And yes, it comes with fries.

AP Photo

A 20-ounce (560-gram) hamburger fashioned from ultra-tender Kobe beef debuted this week at the landmark Old Homestead restaurant. At $41, it is the most expensive hamburger in the city.

It is the first time the 135-year-old steakhouse has ever put a burger on its menu. The restaurant bills it as "The World's Most Decadent Hamburger."

"This is not about price," restaurant owner Marc Sherry said Friday, when the restaurant sold nearly 200 of the new burgers. "This is an event."

The burgers debuted on Tuesday.

Kobe beef, imported from Japan, comes from cattle raised on beer and massaged daily to make the meat soft and succulent.

The burger, which has a piece of herb butter in the middle of each patty, comes on a special roll with exotic mushrooms and microgreens — shredded baby lettuce.

Put away the bottled ketchup. The burger comes with a homemade ketchup, mustard or horseradish sauce.

"And it's served," Sherry added, "with our classic garlic shoestring fries."

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their
professions.....

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know....
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know....
Double income, no kids yet."

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know....
Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, etc."

So You Think You Are Technically Challenged? Think Again!!

Take heart, anyone among you who believes they are technologically challenged, this is an excerpt from a "Wall Street Journal" article.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top!

"You bastard!

You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?

The husband sighed. "It's started"

The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house,
occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to
have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.

(Don´t know if that´s true since I am not female)

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them:

* "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
* "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
* "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
* "Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5
persons."
* "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent.
"Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
* The German driver replies angrily, - "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
* "Sorry", responds the Italian official, "He can'ta come. He's busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno...

BLANTYRE, Malawi (Reuters) - Hundreds of angry Malawians hounded a senior political figure from his house and stoned him late Wednesday, accusing him of harboring vampires. Blantire Urban Governor Eric Chiwaya, a member of the ruling United Democratic Front, was the latest victim of a bizarre rumor that the country's government is colluding with vampires to collect human blood for international aid agencies.

Bearing severe cuts to his face and body, he told Reuters from his hospital bed that a crowd had hailed him with stones and other missiles, chanting "vampire" and threatening to kill him.

Chiwaya said he knew some of his assailants, adding that political opponents were trying to discredit him and the government.

The vampire rumors have sparked several vigilante attacks on suspected bloodsuckers in recent weeks, despite official attempts to stop the rumor. One man was stoned to death, and three priests were attacked by angry villagers in the south.

Political tensions are already high in Malawi. President Bakili Muluzi's attempts to stay in office for another five-year term have already sparked protests, while many face starvation in the face of a regional food crisis.

Just when you think you've seen everything on the Internet, you stumble across a gem like WheelchairJunkie.com

The star of the site is a dude called Mark-E.  You can think of him as the Johnny Knoxville of wheelchairs. 

While some people might be offended by this site and the stunts that this guys does in a wheelchair, I happen to find it inspiring.  I can only imagine that being in a wheelchair can be a bit of a bitch, and some folks feel really sorry for themselves, however, this dude seems to be making the best of a difficult situation.  More power to him!

On the other hand, there are a lot of pathetic fucks out there who fall into the "poor me" category.  For instance, check out this moron over at CutOffMyFeet.com.  According to the site, Freck got drunk with his friends and fell out of the back of a pickup truck.  Now... because his legs are fucked up, he plans to chop them off for money.  Yes, I say "for money", because that's exactly why he is doing it, despite the comments on his site. 

He published this site almost 2 years ago, but never went through with the act because very few people signed up and paid to watch the event.  I'm sure he was hoping to score a cool million or so from freaks around the world. 

Maybe Freck needs to take some pointers from Mark-E and start enjoying what god has dealt him!

Do you remember the first porn movie you ever saw?

I don't remember the title of the movie or anything, but I think I saw my first porn flick at the age of about 12.

It actually concerns me when I think about the extreme content that kids might be able to find on the Internet these days.

I hope parents keep an eye on what their children are doing, otherwise, we will have a new generation of some seriously warped individuals with no concept of respect and reality!

In other words, a whole lot of people like Bill Clinton!

To the
Airline Industry Solution
Federal Aviation Administration
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington D.C. 20591



Dear Sirs;

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same
time getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women
we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked
woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start
flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman.

We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have
record sales.

Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything
myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton