UselessJunk.com... crazy insane NSFW videos & visual media

PARIS/BAGHDAD (Reuters) - The United States fired a warning shot Tuesday across the bows of France, the leading critic of its Iraq policy, saying it would view any French veto of a new U.N. resolution authorizing force as "very unfriendly."

The U.S. ambassador in Paris issued the warning after France said it and Germany

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a
date or any sex in quite some time.  She was afraid she might have    
something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical  
expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex
therapist, Dr. Chang, so she went to see him. Upon entering the  
examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." 

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and crawl reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now crawl reery, reery fass back to me." 

So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy, vewy
bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.  Worse case I ever see.  Dat why    
you not haf sex or dates."


Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang what is
Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease when  
your face look Ed Zachary like your butt."

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Transmission of a CBS News interview with Iraqi President Saddam Hussein due to be aired on Tuesday has been held up by Baghdad, CBS News' Web site (http://www.cbsnews.com) said.

"Portions of the interview were to air Tuesday on 'The Early Show' but Iraqi Television held up transmission of the tapes while they were being translated," the Web site said.

CBS News anchor Dan Rather said on Monday evening that he had an exclusive three-hour interview

   An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
  last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making
   several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest
  episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled
   his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain
  rational.  In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed,

What the fuck is wrong with you people!!!

After the 100th person told me last week... "dude, you gotta see My Big Fat Greek wedding!!!  It's so goddamn funny, you'll shit yourself!"

Here's my feedback:  It was so fucking stupid that I didn't even come close to "shitting" myself, however, I really wanted to "shoot" myself!  Why the hell do so many people think it's the best damn movie made in years? 

The Greek chick "star of the movie" is one butt ugly pathetic bitch that still lives with her parents at the age of 30.... ya know what... I'm done.  I'm going to stop right now, because I don't want to waste anymore of my life thinking about this cinematic blunder.  Nope... I'm not going to do it.  (If there was some good 'ol fashioned "when in Rome, ass fuck like the Romans" jokes, or some scantily clad hotties exposing their titties in the movie, I might have paid more attention, however neither of the aforementioned were even insinuated in the story)

If you are wondering why this visual gem is associated with the story, here's why:  I was watching a Spelling Bee this evening (wow, my life is exciting), and I was felling really dumb.  I almost wrote a story about that, however, I changed plans and began typing about the shitty movie I saw last night.  So.... I was searching the Club UJ files for "big fat greek bastard", and the search results turned up this photo which poetically ties the following together:  Fat Bastard, Contest, Bikinis, Hotties.

So there you have it... now get back to your lives you useless fucks! 

It was 1987!  At a lecture the other day they were playing an old news video of Lt.Col. Oliver North testifying at the Iran-Contra hearings during the Reagan Administration.

There was Ollie in front of God and country getting the third degree, but what he said was stunning!

He was being drilled by a senator; "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?"

Ollie replied, "Yes, I did, Sir."

The senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience, "Isn't that just a little excessive?"

"No, sir," continued Ollie.

"No? And why not?" the senator asked.

"Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir."

"Threatened? By whom?" the senator questioned.

"By a terrorist, sir" Ollie answered.

"Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?"

Taking a bullet proved no pain in the neck for a World War II veteran who didn't discover it was there for 63 years.

Robert Kincaid, 84, learnt he had a bullet lodged in his neck after it showed up on a hospital X-ray, the Times newspaper said on Monday.

It had been there since 1940, when, as a 21-year-old soldier, he was shot by German troops during the evacuation of Dunkirk.

"I was absolutely amazed when the doctor said, 'did you know you had a bullet in your neck?'," he told the paper.

He said it had never caused him any pain, adding that he had always assumed it had passed through his neck after finding what he took to be an exit wound.

Doctors only made the discovery when Kincaid, who was a corporal with the 7th Battalion The Argyll and Southern Highlanders, was admitted to hospital after a fall.

And after 63-years he was more than happy to leave the bullet where it was. "I'm quite content not to have it removed in case it starts causing me problems," he said.

One day this man see's his neighbor  walking past his house with a bunch of chicken wire and asks where he is going. His neighbor replies that he is going to get some chickens. Later that day he see's him returning with a stringer full of chickens. The next day he see's his neighbor going by again but this time he has a roll of duck tape. He asks his neighbor where he is going today to which the neighbor replies "I'm going to get me some ducks". The man says, "you can't get ducks with duck tape" and laughs. Later that day to his amazement the man see's his neighbor coming home with a huge load of ducks. The following day the man see's his neighbor once again, this time with some pussywillows, and yelled out, "WAIT UP, I'M COMING WITH YOU"

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS

President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

So I was on a flight to Los Angeles last week, and I was flying first class (thank god, because it about a 4 hour flight, and I would have shot myself if I was stuck next to the usual obligatory fat dude who thought deodorant was for fags, and thinks his feet don’t stink like ass when he takes off his loafers!)

Well, it was on this flight that I learned that airline security is pretty much an exercise in the staff simply going though the motions with little of no brain power injected into the process.

Here’s why... I was sitting in row 1, seat B, and passed through security w/o hassle, and boldly displayed my ID when I passed onto the plane at the gate.

If you’ve flown recently, you know that they scan your ticket and compare the name to the face and info on your license or passport.

Well, the dude at the gate scanned my ticket, and took a good look at my license before wishing me a good flight. So when I get to my seat, I find someone else sitting there with the same seat assignment. –it seems that they gave me a duplicate print-out of the guy who was already on the plane. So I was standing there like a moron wondering how the hell I got on the plane with someone else’s boarding ticket.

If that wasn’t bad enough, after I got settled into seat #4, my correct assignment, I hear the flight attendant say to someone across the aisle... “thanks for the chocolates, they are great!, ... we even game some to the pilots and they love them too!”

WHAT! YOU GOT HOMEMADE CHOCOLATE FROM A PASSENGER AND ATE THEM!!!! --AND THEN GAVE SOME TO THE PILOT!!!!!

So me and about 10 other people are ready to hop over the seats like OJ Simpson before we learned that the person who brought the chocolate on the plane was one of the off-duty flight attendants... I felt better, but I was still a little freaked out.

After 3 Jack-n-Coke’s, I felt much better and had a very nice flight!

Hey, the fine women of the world haven't exactly overwhelmed UJ with fansigns... .so we'll just have to manufacture the love for UJ!

Type anything in the box below (try UselessJunk.com) and you will be dazzled with a sign of affection!

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?" 

The little boy replied, "Beer and pussy."